Handbags, Gladrags and Indiana Jones

Paul Tropische recently posted a psychotic comment on my "Fork" entry. While the tone and content of his posting were utterly insane, I appreciated the time it must have taken Paul (if that is his real name) to write such a thorough response to my restaurant issue. I've decided, therefore, to respond in turn to each of his odd little points.

First of all, the Trop suggested hauling around some silverware in a handbag for cutlery emergencies. Besides the obvious problem of keeping forks clean in a purse full of other junk and the bigger issue that any passerby or restaurant worker would assume you were stealing the restaurant's silverware and cause an uncomfortable commotion, the main drawback is that I hate carrying a handbag. A purse--a cumbersome, girly accessory and stupid waste of money--would be utterly unnecessary if designers made women's clothes more practical and comfortable. I could easily fit a fork or two along with a wallet and keys in the pocket of men's clothes, but many articles of women's clothes don't have even a single pocket. I've seen some clothing in which the pockets are purely decorative! This complete nonsense makes me even angrier than not getting a second fork, so it can hardly be a solution to my problem.

Second, Paulo mentioned using forks as weapons. Now this is a great idea. I'm always looking for new ways to attack people who irritate me. I mean, they'd never expect that innocent looking utensil to come charging at them, would they? Indiana Jones is my hero. You'd never see Indiana Jones carrying a purse.

Incidentally, whatever happened to Lao Che? In the "Temple of Doom" movie, he organizes the almost certain death of the good guys by arranging for their plane to crash, but through quick thinking and a remarkably well-made inflatable dinghy, they survive to reach India, eat eyeball soup (grossest idea ever), escape ritual sacrifice to a catchy chant, and race around in a runaway mine car. Of course, Indy saves the day (yes, it may seem condescending for an outsider to solve the mystery, but Harrison Ford can pull it off without seeming like a pompous American), but where is his thirst for revenge? I imagine that James Bond would have been on the next flight to China to take out Lao Che and his little empire. Dr. Jones is either too forgiving, too forgetful or too chicken to return to Shanghai. I'll give him the benefit of the doubt and call him forgiving. I guess every hero has a tragic flaw.

In his comments, the tropical mischief-maker then tried to bring politics into the issue. While I refuse to blog about politics (triple the anger of fork problems and wretched hand-gags), I will say that my darling significant other agreed that we'd never live in a red state unless it came with the benefit of a spectacular, mountainous natural environment (Alaska or western Montana). So that can't be a factor.

Thanks, PT. You've been very helpful. You'd better hope I'm fork-less if we ever meet.