The temperature outside currently stands at 0 degrees. While I know this distinction is quite arbitrary--after all, in Celsius it is a frigid but unexciting -18 degrees--the big, round zero still grabs my attention. Zero degrees makes sense in Celsius, since it divides freezing from above freezing. Zero degrees Fahrenheit just seems bloody cold.
When I went to work this morning it was 1 degree (Fahrenheit). I greeted the Texan vet Kris, who wishes more and more every day he was back in his native mild, humid climate, with this info. He said, "I guess that's better than no degrees." He was trying to put a positive spin on it, since he was headed outdoors for a miserably chilly day of cow vaccinating.
No degrees seems like it should describe a bland landscape in which it wouldn't matter if you wore long or short sleeves because the temperature was just so unremarkable. No degrees should be so irrelevant that no one noticed or thought to mention it at all, like in a personalized climate-controlled room or in the setting of a suspenseless novel. No degrees sounds boring, but harmless.
In reality, no degrees is pretty uncomfortable. Any exposed skin becomes sore and red (don't forget your gloves!) and your nose hairs start to crystallize. When the temperature hits zero, the wind chill numbers dive so far into the negative that they just don't matter any more. What is the difference between a wind chill factor of -22 and -32? They both just mean it's time to go inside.
No degrees also gets me thinking of one of my numerous shortcomings, the lack of letters after my name. I am surrounded by DVMs and MDs and CVTs and my own dear man Johnny BAMAMFA that my own little BA seems quite pathetic. But, I guess as in temperatures, one degree is better than none.
I still would rather bundle up for the cold than try to escape the heat. Besides, the last conversation I had with people pining for the warmth of Florida or Texas devolved into a discussion of pests and nasty creatures. Florida: mosquitoes, no-see-ums and palmetto bugs (giant flying cockroaches--don't let the pretty name fool you). Texas: scorpions and fire ants and tarantulas and more (giant) mosquitoes. Wyoming: no bugs for at least six months of the year. Because of things like zero degree temperatures. I may have to wear five layers, but at least all of those layers are bug-free.
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2 comments:
I beg to differ, you do not have numerous shortcomings, letters or no letters after your name, as any innocent bystander would tell you. The degree you are loved is enough, and in your case, the degrees are immeasurable.
GAG. That's just cloying. You don't seem all that innocent to me. You sound like you want to put pink Valentine hearts all over my walls and I WON'T ALLOW IT, I TELL YOU!
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